I’ve been thinking a lot about purpose lately. Being a stay-at-home mum is so much different than I anticipated, but not in any way I could describe. It consumes me. However, it also… leaves me feeling inadequate. There is always more to be offered. There is always more to be done. I generally always neglect housework in favour of eden. But there other days where I’m not certain that is actually in his best interests. The responsibility of bringing up a person – helping to develop the very foundation of his nature & character – is a very heavy one. I guess it is always said that with great privilege comes great responsibility….
But I am now somewhat living the life I was most afraid of when I was younger – a housewife, a mother, ordinary and insignificant. Don’t take from this that I’m feeling insignificant, because I’m not. I was just so terribly afraid of ordinary. And I have now lived in this city longer than I’ve ever lived in one city. And I really want to own a house. And a mini-van (people carrier).
But that’s not all I want. I still want to do bold things. I still want adventures – just ones that don’t cost the earth to my family. It’s just traveling isn’t necessarily the only adventure. I’ve been there, done that. In 2003 I was in something like 16 different countries. I know what it’s like to pitch a tent in a new city every night or two (or get bored of that and just sleep under the stars). It was pretty lonely as well as amazing. Now I want to change lives. I want to breathe meaning into lives. I really want to foster, even though I do not know if I’m strong enough. I really want to work in the care system. I want to help people find beauty. I want to help children see their own potential. I want to help adults remember theirs. I want to have a big house that is home to more than my family. I want to feed people (not necessarily the homeless). Their stomachs and their souls. I want to have true friends. People who *know* me.
I’ve been married for 4 years today. That’s as long as I lived at SSU. I never thought about life past ssu. I definitely didn’t think I would marry someone who hadn’t experienced that. But I did. And I think I fell in love with him the first time we truly talked – a long time before we got together. I don’t even remember what he was talking about (I’m sure it was something to do with pirates) but suddenly we were communicating on a level I had long since forgotten (nothing to do with love, he was in a relationship at the time and i didn’t think i was interested). And here we are. One dictator later.
We’ve had big dreams since we got together. Spain. Costa Rica. Canada. Schools. Trips. Adventures. None of them are real right now, but we haven’t forgotten. Turns out being responsible means you sometimes have to take the long way round.
It’s hard to remember that. It’s hard to remember that just because it takes a long time, it doesn’t mean you are not going to do it. We’re still chasing our dreams. Who knows what they’ll look like in the end.