Tonight I am filled with thoughts of the past.
The person from my past whom I dream about the most is dead. Not recently, and the dreams probably started around the time he died.
We weren’t particularly close. He’s not the first person I knew to have died. We had no romantic interest in each other at all. In fact, we were mostly friends through the community we lived in. We had many close mutual friends but we were quite distant. I was intimidated by him.
And then he killed himself. And now he is constantly in my dreams.
At first they were dreams about ‘saving’ him. Not physically, or spiritually, but always trying to rescue him. Trying to get to him, to talk to him… Now he’s just a regular part of my dream life, but always significant.
My psych prof from uni would say that to analyse this I would have to begin by figuring out what part of me he represents. For then i would be able to recognise the self-dialogue occurring. The thing is, I have no idea. He and I were so un-alike.
it all has me thinking. I no longer long for the former community like I did – I now remember the cracks in the paint. I remember how much it hurt cost to live with other people in such closeness. Of course it was amazing and has slightly ruined me for the ordinary… but it was far from perfect. There are memories I ache from that are not my own, and I don’t know how to heal them.
So I guess I’ll just carry on dreaming about Nato & one day he and I will find the answers to all of life’s problems.