December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?
What I expect becomes like cement – it must happen. Phil has always teased me that I have a break down if I decide we need to leave at 9:15 and we don’t leave until 9:17, despite the fact that we still won’t be late…that it’s because it’s the time I decided we had to leave. Don’t tell him, but he’s right. Once I have an expectation or a plan in my head, I find it very, very difficult to deviate.
At some point in the last year I realised that I also apply this to the people in my life, including myself. And we all fail me. And when we do, I become a terror to live with until I eventually get over the disappointment and anger of being failed. What a thing to admit! What a person to be! But since noticing this, I try (and fail) to consciously remind myself that, for example, Phil does not have to be God for me. He can just be Phil. And that I can’t be all of the things I want to be – they are often contradicting traits. I can just be me. And our lives don’t have to be where and what we want them to be just yet so long as we’re moving forward.
I have to let go of my expectations and begin to allow them to simply be intentions. Intentions are powerful. Expectations, in my case, are poisonous.