I have started so many posts in the past week.
About Comfort. About Need. About This and about That.
The first one, my iPod deleted. The rest have been left intentionally unsaved by me.
Sometimes it’s the writing that is important, rather than the sharing.
I had the arrogance to forget that being a new mum (even though it’s the 2nd time) would change everything. I have this tiny little creature slung onto me, snoring away and despite my previous confidence of how it easy it would be ‘this time round’ I think I forgot that Caleb is his own person, right from the word go… and that how he would be, and how he would respond was not to be predicted.
And then there’s the Big Beast (Eden) who is currently asleep upstairs. I tried not to think about how he would deal. For that I am glad, because worrying would not have made this last week any easier.
But there have been such *great* moments already. Eden’s pre-nap story was cut short because I was alone and Caleb wouldn’t stop crying. Eden sat up and gave Caleb a cuddle (The First) and a kiss. Because he wanted to.
And we’ve sat on our couch, a child on each lap, reading great stories, with both of them happy.
Those are the moments I want to remember from this week.
Once again I have learned a lot about myself. About my needs. About my buttons. About my insecurities. And about my strengths.
I have missed Eden so much whilst he has clung to Phil in this insecure time. But today, with Phil simply not there, he clung to me. And I remembered first, how good it feels, and second, that he reacts somewhat how we allow him to react.
Christmas is a few days away. I’m not ready. There are presents unmade. There are key items for making the presents which haven’t even been purchased. There are presents that are still ideas in my head and items in a shop. But I’m not stressed. I refuse to allow Christmas, particularly this Christmas, be about the Things. So a stocking is slightly un-filled. A tradition un-kept (ok that one sort of bothers me…if only I drove!!!) … This Christmas will be my first with my parents in 7 years, our first as a family of 4 and our first with both sets of grandparents in one place.
This is a Christmas to remember and not for that Prada Bag. (ha as if that’s on anyone’s list…but you know what I mean.)