If you want to identify me,ask me not where I live,or what I like to eat, or how I comb my hair, but ask me what I am living for, in detail,ask me what I think is keeping me from living fully for the thing I want to live for.”
— Thomas Merton
Someone I (sort of) know put this on Facebook recently. I must admit that I’ve only ever read exerpts of Merton. For years I had a copy of “Seeds of Contemplation” but finally came to peace before christmas with the knowledge that I would never actually get around to reading it.
But living for something, living well, living fully…these are things I hold dear. I remember the day I left uni, standing with a dear friend and telling him that I was so scared that I would not live a sensational life. He kindly responded that anything I did would be sensational, I could not help it…
…now 7 years later… Well another dear friend from that life is due to come visit and I am filled with insecurities. There is so much about my current life that I wish was different. So much I wish he wouldn’t see. So much I turn a blind eye to that these days I feel as though I’m entirely blind.
And feeling this way is so exhausting, so draining. So disempowering.
This isn’t living. But my expectations then were so unrealistic.
Life. What a conundrum.